The Protocols of the Order of Argyle

Part II. Argyle is the God of all Artistgods


2:1 The God of all Artistgods is Daniel Argyle. It is He and only He who shall be worshiped. Any artist who fails to recognise Argyle as the one and only God of all Artistgods is not a god at all, and certainly not an artist either, given that the Artist is a God and this Artistgod is beholden to no one but the God of all Artistgods: Daniel Argyle.

2:2 Any artist who fails to recognise Argyle as the God of all Artistgods is not an Artistgod at all, but more of a stain or a smear, or a leakage or something, or an encrustation, but not an Artistgod, and they shall be destroyed. For the numbers of the fake artists are many, and they shall be sought out at the exhibitions they put on, at the openings that they host or attend and use to celebrate their fraudulent activities, and the Artistgods shall spill their blood and faeces over the products they produce and worship, these objects they claim to be artworks. And all the pointy-shoed cronies in their silly outfits who help to peddle the wares of the false artists shall have their attire forced down their throats until they choke on the buttons and zippers. And then their houses of deception, which they call galleries, shall be burnt to the ground and new cathedrals of reality shall be erected in their place for the Artistgods to carry out their cosmic research and creation.

2:3 Any artist who by any intended, or unintended, circumstance copulates and as a result contributes to the abundant, sprawling human spawn is not an artist at all and shall be destroyed, along with their offspring, their partner, their family and their extended family, and their spouse’s family, and his or her’s extended family. They will all drown in deep pools of bloody excrement, except for Pasty Mepulwhy and his family, and his extended family, and his partner’s family, and his partner’s extended family, for the one known as Mepulwhy once saved the God of all Artistgods from a bullet at an exhibition opening. He was in hospital for 3 months. Mepulwhy that is. And those who disrespect Mepulwhy and his extended circle of privilege will suffer the wrath of the Artistgods. For They will break into the homes of the disrespectors and relocate their cheese graters to rarely used cupboards, and then leave without interfering with the toothbrushes, because that sort of behaviour never made much sense to God of all Artistgods. Maybe it makes a little bit of sense if video and photography is involved though, in a juvenile and disgusting sort of way. Thus it will be left to the Artistgod’s discretion whether-or-not to apply this sort of additional reprimand.

2:4 The most despicable, deplorable and disposable of the agents of the false gods, that is to say the Howards and the Abbotts and Abetzs and the Bernardis, etc are particularly distasteful to the God of all Artistgods and shall be rounded up by the Artistgods. These utter stench-smears, with their extended families— for they cannot be excused from their proximity to these lowliest of smear-bacteria—the Artistgods will treat particularly harshly. The Artistgods shall slowly break their faces apart with gardening implements in dildo harnesses, thrusting Their hips until these agents of the false gods, and their extended families, all be dead. The Artistgods will thus achieve cosmic sexual nirvana through the suffering of this scum, and empowerment through the utter destruction of their souls.

2:5 The God of all Artistgods decrees that the Artistgod may make no graven image. For any artist who makes such an image is no artist, and certainly not a God, and shall be force-fed the image as punishment. If s/he survives such punishment, this disgraced being shall be put to work educating the public regarding what is , and what is not, a graven image.


Part III