The Protocols of the Order of Argyle

Part III. The Artistgods Make No Graven Images


3:1 The Artistgods, though they may make no graven images, may engrave a non-graven image, if they so please. In fact they’re expected to. The skulls of the non-believers make for good surfaces onto which non-graven images may be engraved.

3:2 It is permissible that occasionally a raven image my be engraved, or drawn, or painted, or otherwise. The skulls of the non-believers may have ravens engraved into them, if the Artistgod so desires.

3:3 But no “engrave a raven” sort of trend shall emerge. This would anger the Argyle by its silliness. For He said OCCASIONALLY, remember? You stupid, dickhead Artistgods. I’m watching you....

3:4 Perhaps this is all just too cute.... Is it? Eah, something to do right? Or just a bit cute? Better than going on a massive, random killing spree don’t you think? That was the other idea....

3:5 Hmm.... Protocols. Protocols, protocols, protocols. The proto-Col. The first Colin? Like the first Noel. Protonoel - ha, ha! The earliest Colin? The Colin that gets out of bed first? Or arrives at the party first. “Look, it’s proto-Col. When are the other Colins getting here?”

3:6 Below is a graven image of a non-graven image/object that reveals some of the realities of the universe. G.O.A.A. Argyle made it with the help of an oven and some sausages made with the lips and arseholes of Tory children.



3:7 The sausages tasted a bit funny. They were 70% pork, but G.O.A.A. Argyle doesn’t think that was the problem. The Chookgods seem to like them.

3:8 The primary aims of the Artistgods shall be to deliver aesthetic pleasure coupled with psychological discomfort, or aesthetic displeasure coupled with psychological comfort, or aesthetic pleasure coupled with psychological comfort, or aesthetic displeasure coupled with psychological discomfort. For these are the four variations underpinning the existence of all intelligent life in the universe. It is the Artistgods’ role to reveal this reality. It is also the Artistgods’ role to conceal this reality if They feel like it. It is in fact imperative that the Artistgods enact contradiction in order to reveal the fundamentally contradictory nature of the universe. Any artist who produces consistent arguments and logically progressive bodies of work probably might not actually be an Artistgod. The G.O.A.A. Argyle isn’t quite sure about that stuff now, if He ever was. He probably was in some ways, but not others. Probably not applying this or that level of certainty too rigorously, or researching whatever however too much, or too little, indeed ever, but without graven images. Occasionally the odd graven image maybe, just to demonstrate the flawdness of these kinds of images, and how they become incredibly boring within a split-second of looking at them, regardless of what they’re supposed to mean, and just yawning away in front of everyone whilst they look tentatively at everyone else around them to see if they’re as bored but not wanting to look too bored in case you’ve perhaps somehow got it all completely wrong, and pretending that the light switch on the wall to the left of the painting is the artwork and that the painting is a bizarre utilitarian object from another dimension, its purpose being unknown to you, but then you decide it’s just not working properly so you stick a strip of fat masking tape across its glossy, varnished surface and write “device not working - return to facilities” on the tape, and then one of those despicable creatures with the pointy shoes demands to know what the hell you think your doing and then scampers off to the phone, while you make a quick exit.


Part IV